When it is my time to go
Its been a year since I last wrote anything here in my blog.
I wanted to write. I did came up with something to write a couple of times though, I would start writing crap for about three or four sentences and leave the whole goddam thing floating in limbo.
I just feel tired. It's probably me getting old already.
Anyway my grandmother passed away about six months ago, I miss her. She lived up to 80 but she was one hell of a smoker and there was no stopping her, her lungs took a beating from all her smoking for decades and they started to break down, and that was when they locked her up in the hospital. She could have literally smoked her way into her grave if not for these breathing masks they stuck to her face like darth vader on the last six weeks of her life.
I felt that her time was upon her. But the hard part was that they took her to this hospital which was a great four hour drive by a fast driving bus from our place, it was the nearest place they could get to when her system went down. They couldn't put her in transit anymore after that because of these mechanical lungs stuck to her plus the power source were all to big to fit in a truck. So I had to travel on weekends to visit her, it was hard but I love my grandmother and I felt she wanted it, and needed it. I felt I had to make her happy before she passes out and if you were to fall asleep forever there'd be nothing better to have but a smile and happy thoughts to fade away with.
I have only one view about afterlives, these whole fiction does not exist. When you die, there's no crap about seeing some light on your deathbed that will lead you to another one in heaven or live another extra life as a cow or going to hell for eternity. When you die, its like that part when you're so goddam sleepy you're too tired to lift an arm or an eyebrow you just let everything pass and it fades to blackness, oblivion. Think like it's how you fell asleep last night where everything just went blank. Except that from dying, you don't actually wake up to stop your alarm clock or get to the sink to wash up or sit to drink that great coffee in the morning. Death is like that lost 8 hours when you're asleep that you can't remember anything with your senses during that whole 8 hours the next morning, except that the void goes on for eternity while everything else in this world continues to work without you anymore.
Dying is probably what happens when you play the sims online, build a house, buy furnitures and stuff, then your other online friends can go check out your pad and do stuffs. Suddenly your account crashes and you can't go back on-line anymore, while your friends continue with their silly sim lives online without you around and you not having a slightest idea what is going on. Unless your friends tell you over the phone, which couldn't happen if you are dead.
Everybody would probably disagree, thye'd still believe about the afterlife or a soul, spirit or some stupid theory that our consciousness goes someplace else to continue enjoy their senses, like all religions in the world promise. They wouldn't give up on that idea, simply because of life itself, everything we feel now; eating that apple pie, listening to music or watching that goddam sunset feels so good that you just need to find a reason, an excuse that after dying, somewhere someplace this whole good thing is going to continue, everybody is so scared that all these good things will come to an end. Its just so hard to comprehend that someday you have to loose sense of everything when you die, and you keep on believing about an afterlife because you are scared to think that there is none.
what if it was my time to go tomorrow morning, and I go blank onwards like a rotting potato while the whole stupid world continues.
I wanted to write. I did came up with something to write a couple of times though, I would start writing crap for about three or four sentences and leave the whole goddam thing floating in limbo.
I just feel tired. It's probably me getting old already.
Anyway my grandmother passed away about six months ago, I miss her. She lived up to 80 but she was one hell of a smoker and there was no stopping her, her lungs took a beating from all her smoking for decades and they started to break down, and that was when they locked her up in the hospital. She could have literally smoked her way into her grave if not for these breathing masks they stuck to her face like darth vader on the last six weeks of her life.
I felt that her time was upon her. But the hard part was that they took her to this hospital which was a great four hour drive by a fast driving bus from our place, it was the nearest place they could get to when her system went down. They couldn't put her in transit anymore after that because of these mechanical lungs stuck to her plus the power source were all to big to fit in a truck. So I had to travel on weekends to visit her, it was hard but I love my grandmother and I felt she wanted it, and needed it. I felt I had to make her happy before she passes out and if you were to fall asleep forever there'd be nothing better to have but a smile and happy thoughts to fade away with.
I have only one view about afterlives, these whole fiction does not exist. When you die, there's no crap about seeing some light on your deathbed that will lead you to another one in heaven or live another extra life as a cow or going to hell for eternity. When you die, its like that part when you're so goddam sleepy you're too tired to lift an arm or an eyebrow you just let everything pass and it fades to blackness, oblivion. Think like it's how you fell asleep last night where everything just went blank. Except that from dying, you don't actually wake up to stop your alarm clock or get to the sink to wash up or sit to drink that great coffee in the morning. Death is like that lost 8 hours when you're asleep that you can't remember anything with your senses during that whole 8 hours the next morning, except that the void goes on for eternity while everything else in this world continues to work without you anymore.
Dying is probably what happens when you play the sims online, build a house, buy furnitures and stuff, then your other online friends can go check out your pad and do stuffs. Suddenly your account crashes and you can't go back on-line anymore, while your friends continue with their silly sim lives online without you around and you not having a slightest idea what is going on. Unless your friends tell you over the phone, which couldn't happen if you are dead.
Everybody would probably disagree, thye'd still believe about the afterlife or a soul, spirit or some stupid theory that our consciousness goes someplace else to continue enjoy their senses, like all religions in the world promise. They wouldn't give up on that idea, simply because of life itself, everything we feel now; eating that apple pie, listening to music or watching that goddam sunset feels so good that you just need to find a reason, an excuse that after dying, somewhere someplace this whole good thing is going to continue, everybody is so scared that all these good things will come to an end. Its just so hard to comprehend that someday you have to loose sense of everything when you die, and you keep on believing about an afterlife because you are scared to think that there is none.
what if it was my time to go tomorrow morning, and I go blank onwards like a rotting potato while the whole stupid world continues.
It does scare the hell out of me sometimes, like what and how should I leave things behind.
And that is one driving reason why I came back here to my blog to write something up, I need keep this up because I maybe gone tomorrow or sooner than someday, but I wish for this blog site to keep my goddam journal alive for eternity inside the internet for I may be dead but I can live forever to anybody who finds and reads this stuff. That will make me immortal, a depressing immortal in a way.
posted by Lib at 1:27 AM
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4 comments
