Arachnophilia

I've kept my black widow spider for a month now, and the other worse thing that could happen besides from getting bitten is the goddam thing now laying eggs inside the jar ready to multiply. It must have been pregnant and ate its husband for breakfast when I caught it a month ago, and I feel like playing god when I got the natural order of things and a thousands of lives right on the top of my hand if these eggs hatch and escape and these spiders mess up our local ecosystem because of me.

Then neurotoxin would become a new household name here and backwater towns will have invented a new name for a spider demon god for their silly superstition after all those spider bite deaths, and maybe some unlucky indigenous species will get extinct to kingdom come with the black widow spiders now on the food chain.

It reminds me about this crazy scientist who bred european bees with african bees perhaps on some kind of experiment on honey, but instead he got himself these killer bees that go berzerk on people for even just staring at their hive funny. His experiment got loose and the goddam insects are swarming up and killing people to the north american continent, like a biblical plague moses came up with that caught ramses with his pants down a thousand years earlier.

I really think you should get rid of it, seriously

My brother kept asking me to do the spider and our family a favor the past few days, he's worried like hell and I couldn't blame him, he's the most likely collateral damage to any accident I end up with at the house. Take that goddam hepatitis virus that thrashed my system more than a year ago, he was the first person who caught it from me afterwards and he'd probably be the first spider fatality if I don't get bit by my spider first.

My spider has laid about four egg sacs so far though I only make it keep just one egg sac at a time, usually the most recent it laid so that I can have more time to think about breeding it before it hatches.

The goddam truth is, I just have this silly penchant to keep all things nonsense and unusual, like coke cans and these stupid thoughts I've written all these years, and what makes my black widow so unusual that death is just a spider bite away.

Kids, do not try this at home.

Jar of Death

If there is a god, he/she probably wants me dead on my birthday, because it sent me a black widow spider crawling up my shelf to get the job done, and nothing can say death more discreetly than a black widow's venom, which is more so powerful like scotch whiskey that a rattlesnake's venom would only taste like cheap beer.

Everybody was in doubt about the spider being a black widow because they are only endemic to north america and its unlikely this one is here for a christmas vacation or for my birthday. But if you were listening to your biology class, black widow spiders are best described as jet black spiders with a red hour glass mark on their underside.



And here's a very clear shot of my birthday visitor.


Unless you are color blind and your idea of an hour glass looks like a hammer and a sickle, it can be just one of those obscure spiders messing the corners with cobwebs. I did consider it to be those occasional freaks of nature accidentally born with an hour glass birthmark and for the other spiders to make fun of, that was how I thought it was when a second black widow came out from the other corner to say hi.

How they got here was the bigger whodunit, but since I guess this was the work of some gods to get rid of me, they could have sent them through some portal from hell because those gods can open up one from anywhere. They could have sent a pair of poison dart frogs, stinging wasps or box jellyfishes to do the job, but it would take less than five minutes for the frogs to hold back croaking, or buzzing and get caught, much less have the jellyfishes fit into my drinking glass.

I already got the message once, they didn't have to repeat it, so I just pressed flat the other black widow and sent it back to hell. I kept the other one inside a jar and it freaked my old man with me carrying that thing around. Though he still had his own reservations, he said the spider could be one of those cheap con artists of their kind, impersonating a deadly specie so that the other spiders wont go pushing it around if they knew what the red hourglass meant. If it is just a phony black widow then it already did a great job because it got me into the trouble of catching bugs for it while it sits on the bottom of the jar in peace, but at least I had evolution happening under my shelves shorter than a thousand years.

One way to conclude that if the goddam thing is a black widow is have it bite somebody and see what happens. I could take a shot at it, for all I know maybe I'd turn into spiderman overnight at the first bite with all those spider powers and everything. I'd bet I'd get to have the black widow powers too, that I get the chance to eat up every girl I screw with.