Joy in reading and writing words

Anybody still here?

I reopened this blog a couple of days ago, the only reason then was I was looking for a date, a specific date when I last went to boracay island for a beach vacation, how did it went and all.

 

I did find the old entry I made and got to read about everything that happened in boracay, pretty much how I recalled it even before I found it here in this blog, guess great memories do stay alive longer. But I met someone else here in this blog.

Not that I just saw met him, I've been seen him before, a lot of times especially in old pictures. But this time I got to listen to what he has to say, or rather what he has said, listening to him about how he takes on the world, a very angry, sarcastic and a lonely rebel at that, listening on how he lived his life then.

It was me from another time.

If I could only just talk to him, give him a head's up about what he's going through, even to just pluck that cigarette he just lit in his mouth, tell him to keep that comic book he just bought, go tell the girl she looks just wonderful on that dress.

It does bring memories, good, bad but memories nonetheless.

There was this thought I made a to Tin the other day for people who find "Joy in reading words". Reading through all of this tonight made me rephrase that line "The joy of reading and writing words" with all these millions of words I've written to tell a story of what I felt and had to go through, the experience in reading it all over again, and to yearn to write more. In fact when I opened this blog's dashboard, there were a couple of half-cooked, half-written abandoned journal entries I made in random years, trying to raise a penny for my thoughts. There were less than 10 abandoned entries maybe, but little traces that showed I would have wanted to write, others were long and others barely a paragraph.

 

Today is May 14, all mother's day at that. It had nothing to do with my mother though, she's fast asleep the whole day from her flight from new york halfway around the globe and might need time to convince her brain to reverse her awake hours.

I had a terribly bad week to begin with, just so bad that you wouldn't even believe it happened, like how I was looking for a surviving twin high in the mountains of kidapawan north cotabato to try to open a computer camera lock, to persuade it that it is actually facing his dead twin. All of that so I can get my money back I sent there by mistake.

I had trouble sleeping those nights too, just from overthinking trying to remember the past. I had a beer or two a night, not much. Except for one night where I did have two but one of them was a korean beer with an alcohol strength of 6.69% and another dutch beer at 14% which broke my drunk level into critical. I have outgrown my drinking habits then from my younger self whom used to brag a lot about beer in this blog, now there's just a little box in my room where I stash in fancy beers that I come across in groceries, and right now that's all where I could pull something out to drink, guess that explains different beers across the globe. Overthinking is just too heavy on a person's psyche, drown it with alcohol and I become an indolent sloth at work the next day.

This morning I decided to take a long run on my 21km route, same route that my younger self had been running on more than a decade ago, save for a little refinements, I feel I should sweat the alcohol out of my system and maybe the fresh air will just make me feel better from overthinking. But the thing is, this is one of those mornings that was just beautiful to forget, not from the sunrise or the fresh air but I just happen to pass by more people who smiled back and waved, joggers particularly. If I had a headcount of most people who smiled back, this morning had the most.

This jogging route would pass me by a cemetery, like it always did, and here is a short excerpt from my younger self, I was so cynical then.

It did rain, I never ran under the rain that much and I was quite far from home already to turn around so I just went on and felt great about the rain hitting me all over, only to realize later that the goddam rain was making my shoes squeak like ducks and my whole garb to my underwear soaking wet. So I stopped by this big tree on the road until the rain passes by, it wasn't much of a shelter because some of the rain got through but that was the best spot I could find on the road anyway, and it was also in front of a cemetery. The same cemetery where they laid my other dead grandparent and a whole lot of other dead people who already got to the finish line of life.

That is what my old man used to tell me, people are so scared of death that they go on building cemeteries where the living go and treat their special spot like their extended personality after death, like an oracle of their wisdom that doesn't speak anyway, they'd be glad to think about this whole treatment before they turn to oblivion where people treat their leftovers like living relics.

 

The Road to Oblivion

July 23, 2012

 

My grandmother passed away almost 5 months ago, and now they're together again with my grandfather in this cemetery, and since then I promised myself that after her death I would drop by the place light up incenses for both of them everytime I jogged, even for just a year as I passed by. I don't know how I developed my sense of filial piety-ness in contrast to my younger self so full of mockery then. Maybe I was getting older, also maybe in that sense that I need a 10 minute breather from running and take a break inside the cemetery instead. But just consider the thoughtfulness alone from strapping incenses at my running pack every sunday morning, sometimes I feel Im the only grandson who drops by the place every so often.

This sunday when I got to both their graves, there was somebody who parked beside my grandparents, the driver was there but it seemed that he wasn't visiting the graves around, perhaps somewhere else that was further inland from the road and just waiting for his family to be done with. He was around fifty, wearing sunday short trousers, nothing so formal and sitting on the pavement having coffee and a smoke, I didn't mind him. I found that there were two candles left unlit on my grandparents grave. I realized this is the first mother's day that my father, my uncles and aunt had without a mother, somebody must have been here earlier so I lit it up. Then he said

"Visiting somebody?"

"Yeah, my grandmother, she passed away just recently"

"At least she got to rest"

"She was 98"

"Really?" 

"She had a great life"

I wasn't expecting to be even talking to him much less thanking for his concern. I even felt like I forgot to ask who was he there for himself, afterall it was mother's day, less ask if it were his mother in law.

On my way back running at kilometer 14, I was then surprised that found my uncle ben waiting for me at the corner of the road in his car, his driver even yelling to call my attention

"All aboard to madjaas"

They visited us yesterday and right in time for my mother to arrive from new york and now they were driving back home (he is a maternal uncle, the cemetery earlier were paternal grandparents, not on the same branch line of my ancestry) They were just there to see me before they drove off, must have asked back home about the route I take on sundays when I felt nobody minded knowing at all, maybe not until I'm missing not being back home after 3 hours.

When I got home I remembered this lady back in north cotabato I came to for help. I didn't know her but she held the number where I sent my money wrong. She was very nice for somebody to me helping me out with everything, trying to help find the surviving twin to open her internet wallet account. I seriously forgot to tell her that it was all taken care of now and done with,  I mean I was having a terrible week and all to forget her. But it gave me a better chance to greet a stranger a happy mother's day.

I know had been drinking much for almost a week everynight, I barely got sleep, I overthought, one reason why I ran this usually tough 21KM route is that I hope this is will knock me out cold at sleep tonight for being so tired. I even thought I wouldn't make it back on foot home from fatigue from sleeplessness. But here I am its 3 in the morning and still smiling what a beautiful morning it was, still typing words because yes I do find joy in reading and writing words.