Jar of Death
If there is a god, he/she probably wants me dead on my birthday, because it sent me a black widow spider crawling up my shelf to get the job done, and nothing can say death more discreetly than a black widow's venom, which is more so powerful like scotch whiskey that a rattlesnake's venom would only taste like cheap beer.
Everybody was in doubt about the spider being a black widow because they are only endemic to north america and its unlikely this one is here for a christmas vacation or for my birthday. But if you were listening to your biology class, black widow spiders are best described as jet black spiders with a red hour glass mark on their underside.
And here's a very clear shot of my birthday visitor.
Unless you are color blind and your idea of an hour glass looks like a hammer and a sickle, it can be just one of those obscure spiders messing the corners with cobwebs. I did consider it to be those occasional freaks of nature accidentally born with an hour glass birthmark and for the other spiders to make fun of, that was how I thought it was when a second black widow came out from the other corner to say hi.
How they got here was the bigger whodunit, but since I guess this was the work of some gods to get rid of me, they could have sent them through some portal from hell because those gods can open up one from anywhere. They could have sent a pair of poison dart frogs, stinging wasps or box jellyfishes to do the job, but it would take less than five minutes for the frogs to hold back croaking, or buzzing and get caught, much less have the jellyfishes fit into my drinking glass.
I already got the message once, they didn't have to repeat it, so I just pressed flat the other black widow and sent it back to hell. I kept the other one inside a jar and it freaked my old man with me carrying that thing around. Though he still had his own reservations, he said the spider could be one of those cheap con artists of their kind, impersonating a deadly specie so that the other spiders wont go pushing it around if they knew what the red hourglass meant. If it is just a phony black widow then it already did a great job because it got me into the trouble of catching bugs for it while it sits on the bottom of the jar in peace, but at least I had evolution happening under my shelves shorter than a thousand years.
One way to conclude that if the goddam thing is a black widow is have it bite somebody and see what happens. I could take a shot at it, for all I know maybe I'd turn into spiderman overnight at the first bite with all those spider powers and everything. I'd bet I'd get to have the black widow powers too, that I get the chance to eat up every girl I screw with.
Everybody was in doubt about the spider being a black widow because they are only endemic to north america and its unlikely this one is here for a christmas vacation or for my birthday. But if you were listening to your biology class, black widow spiders are best described as jet black spiders with a red hour glass mark on their underside.
And here's a very clear shot of my birthday visitor.
Unless you are color blind and your idea of an hour glass looks like a hammer and a sickle, it can be just one of those obscure spiders messing the corners with cobwebs. I did consider it to be those occasional freaks of nature accidentally born with an hour glass birthmark and for the other spiders to make fun of, that was how I thought it was when a second black widow came out from the other corner to say hi.
How they got here was the bigger whodunit, but since I guess this was the work of some gods to get rid of me, they could have sent them through some portal from hell because those gods can open up one from anywhere. They could have sent a pair of poison dart frogs, stinging wasps or box jellyfishes to do the job, but it would take less than five minutes for the frogs to hold back croaking, or buzzing and get caught, much less have the jellyfishes fit into my drinking glass.
I already got the message once, they didn't have to repeat it, so I just pressed flat the other black widow and sent it back to hell. I kept the other one inside a jar and it freaked my old man with me carrying that thing around. Though he still had his own reservations, he said the spider could be one of those cheap con artists of their kind, impersonating a deadly specie so that the other spiders wont go pushing it around if they knew what the red hourglass meant. If it is just a phony black widow then it already did a great job because it got me into the trouble of catching bugs for it while it sits on the bottom of the jar in peace, but at least I had evolution happening under my shelves shorter than a thousand years.
One way to conclude that if the goddam thing is a black widow is have it bite somebody and see what happens. I could take a shot at it, for all I know maybe I'd turn into spiderman overnight at the first bite with all those spider powers and everything. I'd bet I'd get to have the black widow powers too, that I get the chance to eat up every girl I screw with.
posted by Lib at 1:32 AM
2 Comments:
Hi Lib,
That's a black widow. Don't let it bite you! You'll be sick and in pain for days and days. My father was bitten when he was 18. His ear swelled shut, his whole body ached and he couldn't get out of bed or eat for 3 days.
3:58 AM
He probably fell in love with your mother that time.
12:30 AM
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